


Breaking Down Walls

by princessdandelion



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, F/F, High School, Lesbian High School AU, Love, Mentions of abuse + PTSD, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-09-28 11:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10099061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessdandelion/pseuds/princessdandelion
Summary: Starting a new school is difficult, but for new girl Sharon Needles it is made more difficult when she falls in love with the schools ice queen, Alaska. Can Sharon break down Alaska's walls? Or is Alaska's life too complicated for Sharon.





	1. New

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever story, so please enjoy! Also, I'm Australian, so my knowledge on the American school system isn't extensive, so if I've made a mistake let me know! :)

SPOV:  
Just what every teenager wants to do in their senior year, start a new school. Since middle school I’ve been to 5 schools, mom finds a new boyfriend, everything is great for a while, mom gets bored and we pack up and move. But she promised me this time was different, there was no boyfriend she’d met on singlemoms.com, just us. Oddly, I trusted her.  
As I walked into my new all-girls school, I couldn’t help notice how different it was to any previous school, teachers were standing outside, laughing with students, there were couples holding hands and hugging. As I looked around, I saw probably the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, walking up the stairs. She was tall, accentuated by high heeled boots, a small waist and wide hips with messy blonde hair, I was so mesmerized by her, I didn’t even notice when someone was standing in front of me, and talking to me.  
“Hello? Are you new? You look new. And I haven’t seen you here before, so you must be new. Are you even listening to me?” said a blonde girl in front of me. She had an accent though, maybe Canadian.  
“Sorry, I’m Sharon, and yeah I’m new” I put my hand out to shake it, instead she pulled me into a hug, which was difficult, she was so little.  
“I’m Courtney. I’ll show you around. Do you have your timetable? Do you know anyone? Am I your first friend? By the end of the day, you’ll have plenty of friends don’t worry.” Rambled Courtney, pulling me into the school, and linking her arm in mine. I told her I had my timetable already, and she simply nodded.  
“Mr. Matthews, this is Sharon, she’s new. Isn’t that exciting.” She said to a teacher, not stopping for a reply she kept walking, and looking around, yelling my name to everyone, telling them I was new. She rambled about the school, telling me about students and teachers that she liked and disliked.  
We reached a large group of girls, standing in a circle laughing about something.  
“Guys! We have a new girl! How exciting. Her names Sharon.” She said, finally letting go of my hand to hug her friends.  
I smiled, and waved, awkwardly.  
They all introduced themselves to me, I nodded at their introductions, but there was no way I could remember all their names. After what seemed like forever, the bell rang and everyone started walking to class, pulling out my timetable, I saw I still had my bag, with all the talking and introductions I’d forgotten to find my locker, fuck.  
I walked aimlessly, not knowing what to do, or where to go.  
“Lost?” said a voice from behind me.  
I turned around and there she was, the blonde girl I’d seen earlier.  
“Yeah, this school is confusing as hell” I laughed nervously.  
“It doesn’t get better.” She said, cynically.  
Taking my timetable from my hands, she pointed me in the direction of my class, and I began to walk towards my class, disappointed I didn’t get to speak to her more.  
“Wait your bag, Davis goes nuts if you have a bag in her class” she sighed “What locker number are you?”  
“223” I said.  
“Shit. That’s down that hall but you’ll be even later then.”  
I stared at her, wondering what to do, if I should run to my locker or just take my bag. She turned around towards a locker, and started to open it. Biting my lip, I was tempted to ask if I could use her locker.  
“Give me your bag, take out your shit that you need, and you can come get it after.” She said simply.  
I gave her my bag, and our fingers brushed against each other’s, she had extremely cold hands.  
“I’m Sharon, by the way.” I said. She nodded, and began to open her mouth to speak but closed it, nodded and walked away.  
Weird, I thought.  
Walking into my class, I was met with 20 pairs of eyes staring at me.  
“You must be Sharon.” Said an older woman that was sitting at a desk. I nodded.  
“Sorry for being late” I said.  
“The only time I accept lateness, is on your first day.” She said simply “I won’t make you introduce yourself to the class, you can socialize at lunch. There’s an empty seat next to Adore over there.”  
Looking over to where she was looking, was a girl with blue hair that I’d met this morning with Courtney. Grateful for a familiar face, I sat down and smiled.  
Ms. Davis started her class, talking about her expectations for us, my mind started to wonder about this school, maybe I would like it here.  
Adore passed me note that said: Sit with us at lunch?  
I nodded. 

The class ended, and I didn’t remember one word that the teacher said.  
“What do you have next?” asked Adore.  
“Design” I replied.  
“Party. Me too. Come on.” She said, pulling me into another room.  
Everyone is very touchy here.  
We walked into a class with sewing machines on every bench, and yards of fabric on the wall.  
“Can you sew? Asked Adore, looking around, and eventually finding us both seats.  
“Yeah, a little. I can make things but there not by any means masterpieces. Are you good at sewing?” I responded.  
“I’m a Libra.” Was her answer, having no clue what that meant, turned and faced the front, watching students come in.  
Courtney and another blonde girl walked into our class room, taking the seats near me, and placing a book on the table next to Adore. We spent the next few minutes talking about my earlier class.  
“Not that I’m complaining, but where is the teacher?” I said, and Courtney laughed.  
“Ms Del Rio is always late” said the other girl that came in with Courtney “She’s also the guidance counselor, so there’s always someone crying about their futures in her office”.  
Courtney reached over and took my timetable, she studied it for a few minutes.  
“You have almost all your classes with Willam!” she exclaimed.  
“Jealous Courtney?” said a familiar voice, the blonde girl, she took the seat next to Adore. They were all friends. I had to learn her name, I couldn’t keep thinking of her as the blonde girl, but why was I even thinking about her this much.  
“Fuck off Alaska” said Courtney with a teasing tone.  
“Miss Act, watch your language.” Yelled a woman walking in to the class room, who I assumed was the teacher. “Alright, there is an attendance sheet going around, sign it with your student number.” She said, taking a seat at the desk. She continued, “I’m Ms. Del Rio, and this is a senior design class, it is an elective, that you chose, or you were put in because there was no space in other classes. Either way, I want beautiful garments. Whether it a dress, or a suit, I don’t care. Just do a good job, and you get an A. You’ll have small pieces that I’ll set, and one large project that you’ll design, and sew. Simple enough?”  
We all nodded, and she began to describe different types of cuts, and styles we could do. After what seemed like forever of the teacher talking and us hurrying to write down the notes, the bell rang.  
Ms. Del Rio basically sprinted out of the room, while everyone else was slowly getting up and walking towards the door.  
Courtney continued to babble about something the entire time, something about Australia, and continued to talk with Adore as they left for their next class.  
“Lasky, can I throw this in your locker, mines so far.” Pouted the person I now know as Willam.  
She nodded and we all walked towards her locker, strangely, I felt jealous. As she was opening it, Willam winked at me, as though she knew exactly what I was thinking.  
Taking Willam’s stuff from her, Willam yelled something about needing to get to gym and began to run.  
I tried to speak but she beat me to it.  
“Do you need your gym stuff too?” she said, her voice much softer than before. I nodded, she pulled out my bag, as well as her own, and began to walk, looking back at me.  
“Come on” she drawled impatiently.  
I laughed, and I swear I could see a small smile forming.  
We walked silently towards the big gym building, and people were staring, making me uncomfortable.  
As we entered the gym, a large bold man called me over, and introduced himself as Coach Steven, and explained that we were playing volleyball this week, internally, I was groaning partly because I hated sports, and that my time alone with Alaska was cut short. He finished his speech on gym safety and volleyball and told me to get changed, I looked around, and I couldn’t see Willam or Alaska or anyone that I knew. Shit.  
I changed in record time, exiting the changing room and into the gym where I saw everyone standing, and Coach Steven was numbering off people into teams, and I still couldn’t see Alaska or Willam anywhere. I stood with my team members, we made light conversation waiting for a court and watched the other students start a game. In the corner of my eye, I saw Willam in the doorway. Looking up at her, I saw Alaska and two other girls that I had seen in the morning, I think their names were Detox and Roxy, standing behind Willam. They walked in and looked around at the other teams.  
“Sir, you didn’t give us numbers” said Willam, with a small smile.  
“Just play as pairs then” answered Coach Steven not even looking at them, but instead watching an ongoing game.  
The girls laughed lightly, apart from Alaska, who gave a tight smile, and they all walked towards me, and sat near my team who were talking about the lunch menu.  
I smiled at them as they came closer to me, and motioned with my head for them to take a seat next to me, as they sat, my team was called to play. Fuck.  
I played a good 2 minutes before I was hit on the head with the ball, and people wonder why I don’t play sport. “Andrews! Swap her out!” Yelled Coach Stevens, as I held my head.  
“Do you need to go to the nurse?” he asked, I shook my head no.  
Roxy took my place, and as soon as I sat down, the entire group started laughing at me. Even Alaska.  
It was the first time I’d heard her laugh, it was nice, I even joined them.  
The rest of the period flew by, Willam and Alaska didn’t even end up playing a game they just sat talking quietly, got changed quickly, and left without saying a word.  
Finding my locker, I left my stuff inside and continued alone to my next class. Calculus. Great.  
Seeing Adore was in there already, I sat down next to her and sighed. Willam walked in, and sat next to me, and smiled like nothing had happened.  
The rest of my classes passed quickly until lunch, I followed Adore and Willam out, and met Courtney outside of our class room. The walk to the cafeteria was filled with Courtney talking about how tired she was already, and Willam telling her to shut up. We found a table, Courtney took my phone, putting all of their numbers in it, and texting everyone from my phone so we’d all have each other’s numbers.  
Lunch was nearly over by the time Alaska made an appearance at our table, holding a bottle of water and no food. Frowning, I asked her if she was eating, she said ignored me and sat down next to Detox.  
“So is everyone going to Roxy’s party tonight?” Detox asked the table, everyone nodded excitedly, and began to talk about the party, feeling left out, I focused on my lunch.  
“Shit! Sorry Sharon, you are totally invited too. I’ll text you the address later.” Smiled Detox. I smiled back appreciatively.  
Lunch ended, and everyone started to exist the cafeteria, going to their class rooms, as I began to get up, Willam pulled me back to her level and whispered “Don’t ask Alaska about food.”  
“Can Detox even invite me to someone elses party?” I asked, desperate for a subject change.  
“Sometimes I think their one person” answered Willam.  
We ran towards our History class seeing Courtney at her locker, we motioned for her to hurry, and we entered the room, getting seats in the back.  
“So why is there a party on a Monday?” I asked confused.  
“No clue, but I’m not complaining. Free alcohol, free food and good music. Are your parents going to be cool with you coming?” asked Courtney. I explained my mum worked as a nurse, so she was rarely home anyway.  
“Attention students. Due to an emergency with Ms. Micheals, Drama is canceled next period.” Announced a voice over the PA system, we all smiled. An early finish.  
History went by agonizingly slowly, but by the time it did finish we all basically ran out of the class, to our lockers so we could get home.  
Walking home, I started to think about my day. This place seemed perfect for me. I couldn’t wait to get home to get ready. My phone buzzed ’32 Fox Lane. See you there -D’ I smiled. Looking at my contacts, I decided to text the one person I’d been thinking about all day.  
Trying a hundred different things, everything seemed too much, or too stupid, in the end I decided on something simple.  
Boo.


	2. Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alaska's side of the first day and party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for reading!

APOV:  
Thank God for school, for those seven hours I’m too busy to think, too busy for my mind to take me into that dark hole in my mind. For those seven hours, I can breathe without the pressure in my chest. I can laugh at the bad jokes my friends make, and hold a conversation for more than five minutes. It’s that sense of normality that I crave, but never can continue when I leave those gates.  
Leaving the car, I looked up and there was a girl that I’d never seen before, tall, long black hair, pretty. Ignoring the beats my heart was skipping, I kept walking towards the stairs, ignoring everyone as usual.  
Every morning, I get to my class early and get a good seat, but today for some reason I dragged it on. Walking slowly to my locker, not paying attention to the bell as it rang, organizing my locker for the millionth time, by the time I was done everyone was already in class. I began to walk away, and I saw her again.  
I asked her if she was lost, she was. My heart was still skipping beats, I pointed her to her class, and realized I wanted to speak to her more. I offered to take her bag, making something up about Ms. Davis not liking bags in her class. Her hands were warm, mine are not. Too different my brain screamed. Sharon was her name, I walked away.  
She was warm where I was cold, she could smile all day and mean it, I couldn’t. My brain was pounding, my stomach turning, hands shaking. Feeling the bile rising in my throat, I increased my pace and went straight into my class, mumbling an excuse for being late and sitting down.  
“Are you okay?” asked my friend Willam, I nodded and forced a smile on my face.  
“Bullshit” she replied “You look worse than usual, and I didn’t think that was even possible”  
Not responding I tried to pay attention to what the teacher was talking about but it wasn’t working out, every word she said went in one ear and out the other.  
Pull yourself together Alaska I repeated to myself until the bell went.  
“We have five minutes until Design, now spill” Willam whispered, pulling me down onto the floor of the locker, knowing there was no escaping this situation, I explained with as little detail possible.  
“So you’re into the new girl? Good.” She beamed.  
“But I don’t even know her, and I don’t know if I can let myself get close to her” I murmured.  
“Try. You can’t live your life wondering about what could have been” she said softly “This could be your happy ending”  
“Or it could fuck me up even more” I argued.  
“Then we work through it together like last time” she began to walk away and I sat there for a minute thinking before catching up to her.  
Willam was one of my best friends, she wouldn’t push me into doing something unless she thought it could be good, maybe this wasn’t such a bad thing after all, getting to know her.  
I mean no one said I had to marry her. Friends. I could do friends.  
“You have almost all your classes with Willam” I heard Courtney yell.  
“Jealous?” I said, sitting down next to Adore, noticing that Sharon was there too. Crap. I’m not ready for this. Well maybe the friend’s thing could wait for one more period.  
The class went by relatively, and before I knew it we were leaving for gym. I hated gym with every fiber of my being.  
Everyone was using my locker today, it’s like it was a communal locker.  
Willam ran off, saying something about Detox, leaving me with Sharon. Okay, I can do this.  
I tried to soften my voice while I spoke to her, and I think it worked. I told her to hurry, she laughed, her laugh was so pretty. I just stopped myself from smiling at her, my emotional walls were slowly, and painfully crumbling right in front of me.  
Sharon went to talk to Coach Steven while I went to find Willam. She was sitting with Detox and Roxy in the empty changing rooms, seeing me they waved, and I smiled. A proper Alaska Thunder smile. Detox and Roxy left to change, or make out. One of the two.  
“Have you ate anything today?” Willam whispered, I shook my head no.  
“Let’s go then, we can go back to your locker, get an apple from my bag, eat it and we’ll come back.” She planned out loud. Knowing this was important to her, I complied. I ate the apple, and felt like crap right after.  
Going back into the gym, we saw Detox and Roxy standing outside the changing rooms again waiting for us.  
“Volleyball” exclaimed Roxy “We’re playing volleyball. Like that isn’t an accident waiting to happen. Just watch. Someone will get hurt within the first ten minutes.”  
Coach Steven told us to play as pairs, which to us translated to sit down and chat, we noticed Sharon calling us over, just as we were about to sit, she was called to play. Is this a sign?  
We talked about the party that Roxy was throwing, her parents extended their vacation so she decided that a Monday night party was a good idea. But hey, no one said she was the smartest.  
Sharon was hit with a ball, proving Roxy’s prediction, we all laughed about it. Willam spent the rest of the class telling me about some girl she liked, and it was obviously Courtney, they need to get their shit together.  
I left quickly, wanting to get to Art History so I could get a good seat, it was my favorite class but the seating options were shit, you either sat at the front and got asked a hundred questions, or at the back where no one spoke to you. I stayed after the lunch bell as did most of the class, until I got a text from an unsaved number.  
“Just so S has your number- Courtney but really Sharon”  
I decided that this was a good time to leave, grabbing a bottle of water, I found my friends sitting down laughing about something.  
Sharon said something about me not eating, not wanting to make a scene or address it, I simply sat next to Detox who was excited about Roxy’s party, and was taking decoration, and food. She invited Sharon, that was nice.  
Roxy caught up to me as I was walking to Calculus,  
“Do you really need to go to class? D and I are going to set up. Come with, it’s been a minute since Rolaskatox had a reunion” she batted her eyelashes, I agreed, who needs math.  
We got to Roxy’s house, and got to work straight away. Moving furniture around, taking valuable items and locking them up, making sure all the alcohol was set up, pre-ordering food and hooking up the speakers. Two hours later, I get a text.  
‘Boo’ From Sharon.  
How cute.  
Cute?  
Since when do I find anything cute?  
Unsure of what to reply, I left it for an hour, everything seemed too forward, or too cruel, and eventually decided on literally the simplest thing I could think of, Hi.  
She replied almost instantly, Took you long enough.  
I’m a busy woman, I replied.  
No reply. Shit.  
*Incoming call: Sharon*  
“Hello?” I answered.  
“Hi, hope you’re not too busy to talk to little old me” she chuckled.  
“Just setting up Roxy’s house, what’s up?” I asked her.  
“Well, I don’t know what to wear. Courtney is not answering, Adore isn’t either and I don’t want to annoy Willam, she scares me a little. But if your too busy, I can figure it out” she admitted.  
“Anything your comfy in, but not pjs” I drawled.  
“Thank you” she hurried and hung up. 

Leaving Roxy’s house, I drove back to my own to get changed and ready. The house was quiet as usual. I always expected some sort of noise when I came home but the only noise came from my memories. I tried to hurry and change still avoiding the full length mirror, not wanting to look at my body. I touched up my makeup, and left as fast as my legs could carry me. 

I needed the exercise, so I walked back to Roxy’s house in my heels, I could hear the music from the start if her street.  
People, lots and lots of people. They touched me as I walked through the crowd looking for anyone I knew. Or Sharon. Friends hang out at parties.  
I was given a drink, I downed it. Not knowing or caring what was in it. It numbed my body, people still were touching me, but I was too numb too feel it thanks to drinks number six and seven. Still no friends.  
I was swaying with the music, when I felt myself being led away. Courtney.  
“Come on drunky, let’s get you some water” she giggled.  
After a while, I had sobered up, but Courtney was still in mom mode. Making me drink water, and trying unsuccessfully to feed me chips.  
“Enough with the fucking water already, I’ve had to pee eight times already.” I exclaimed, making her laugh.  
“Where is everyone?” she asked me  
“You mean, where is Willam?” I answered, and she rolled her eyes.  
“You like her, she likes you. What more do you want Court? I can’t listen to you two freaks whine about each other.” I challenged her.  
She was about to respond when Sharon and Willam appeared behind her, and covered her eyes.  
“Guess who?” she yelled “I’m real pretty, and you love me”  
“Well, Alaska’s sitting across from me, so it’s not her. So, by process of elimination, I’d say Adore?” taunted Courtney.  
While those two were arguing, I motioned to the empty spot next to me. Friends sit together.  
“Are they always like this?” she whispered, getting extremely close to me.  
“More or less” I responded, moving out of her reach.  
“They like each other yeah?” she asked  
“God yeah. They just can’t get it together, its fucked up. And you know its fucked up when I say it is” I laughed lightly.  
“You have a pretty laugh” she said with a sigh.  
That’s okay, friends can complement each other.  
I was about to respond, when I was pulled up by Detox to dance, I looked back at Sharon, and mouthed that I was sorry. She smiled.  
We danced far away from the grips of other people and did shots and eventually, I could slip away from Detox to find Sharon again, but I couldn’t see her. Someone grabbed me.  
Their hands were pressing into my hips, I froze. I couldn’t breathe. They were swaying with the music, while holding me firmly in place.  
Lots of pain.  
Lots of memories.  
“Move” yelled Willam to this person, they let go. I let all the air out that I was holding.  
She took me upstairs, with Courtney trailing behind us.  
“You’re okay Alaska” coaxed Willam as she led me into Roxy’s bedroom, and onto her bed.  
“I’m okay” I repeated slowly.  
“Breathe slowly” whispered Courtney.  
I was so lucky to have these two as my friends, tears formed, tears dropped down my cheeks. They both held me as a cried for a while.  
“Thank you” I whispered.  
“Dude, I told you today. We got your back. Always. Do you want to stay here, or go down?” asked Willam, exchanging looks with Courtney.  
“Go” I responded.  
“You sure” said Courtney with raised eyebrows.  
“Yep. I’m okay” I confirmed.  
They tried to salvage what was left of my makeup, and we went back down, walking back to the couch on the porch we had previously all gathered at, and we sat down. Listening to Willam make fun of people’s dance moves, and Courtney try to copy them from her seat for our amusement.  
“Shouldn’t you pretty ladies be dancing?” said someone we didn’t know, I looked down, not wanting to meet their gaze.  
“We’re okay, thank you.” Responded Courtney, always so polite.  
“Are you sure? I could entertain you all” the stranger continued.  
“Pretty sure when someone tells you to leave, you leave” remarked a voice I hadn’t for a while. Sharon.  
Looking at Sharon, and her height, the stranger left. Courtney and Willam thanked her, while I stayed quiet, not wanting to draw any more attention to myself. It was awkward.  
“I’m going to get water” announced Courtney, disappearing into the crowd.  
“And I’m leaving because this is awkward” said Willam, before whispering that he’ll be around in case I need her.  
“You okay?” she whispered. I nodded.  
Not everyone needed to know how fucked up I was.  
Courtney and Willam were enough.  
“You’re not, but I want you to know that whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll be ready to listen” she smiled softly “I saw”  
I froze. Can’t breathe. She saw. She pities me. She doesn’t want to be friends. She just feels sorry for me. The freak whose scared of human contact.  
All these thoughts were running through my head, a mile a minute. Warm. Why do I feel warm.  
I didn’t notice, she was rubbing gentle circles into my back with one hand, while the other held out a bottle of water. Why does this feel nice?  
Courtney and Willam came back, they didn’t say anything about the hand Sharon had on my back. They squeezed on the couch pushing Sharon towards the arm rest of the couch, and she pulled me along with her, her arm never leaving my back. Friends do this.

“Guys it’s like 1am” exclaimed Courtney “We have school tomorrow!”  
“I have to stay to pack it all up” I pouted, but secretly I was happy I could prolong going home.  
“Want me to lie and say you met the love of your life and ran away to elope?” Asked Willam, we all laughed but Sharon’s arm tensed.  
“Or you could say I drank too much and got sick” I simplified.  
“Too common” said Willam with an English accent.  
“You guys go, I’ll see you tomorrow” I promised, and we said goodbye to Courtney and Willam.  
“And then there were two” I laughed  
“I’ll go tell Detox you’re sick, you make a run for it” Sharon offered.  
“Go home, get some sleep” I said softly, watching her eyes barely stay open.  
“Do you need a cab or something?” I asked her, she shook her head as she got up, and we looked at each other, unsure of what to do.  
“Um, bye” she said, unsure of herself.  
“Bye, and thank you” I responded, watching her walk towards her car, she got in, and I turned away into the house and started to clean up with Detox and Roxy. I got a text half an hour later.  
‘Text me when you get home please-S’  
I smiled.  
We finished cleaning in about an hour, leaving the bigger things for the next day. I began to walk home, ignoring the horns of cars, and people yelling at me. It’s okay, they are in their cars, I am here. I told myself. Standing at the front of my house, I sent a text to Sharon, who was probably asleep saying, I’m home. Inside my house was empty, cold and quiet, just like it is every day, and night I’m here. I just wanted my bed, hopefully I wouldn’t have any nightmares. I got a text.  
‘Good, I was worried. Goodnight -s”.  
I smiled again.


	3. Slow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a filer chapter, so it's not the most exciting but it'll come together in the next chapter.

SPOV:  
She was the only thing on my mind all night, I was trying to figure out exactly why she freaked out over someone touching her. It seemed complicated. Did I want to be involved with someone complicated? Every past relationship was simple; I like them and they like me. We would kiss, and hug, and do other things that I enjoyed but could I do that with Alaska? Did I want to?  
These doubts overtook my thoughts but then I remembered how she leaned onto my hand, how she looked up at me when I was speaking, and how she laughed. And I knew the answer was yes.  
I just hoped she felt the same way, or was I wrong and she didn’t want anything to do with me. Eventually, I could fall into a deep sleep, only waking when I heard my phone ringing. Who calls at 5:30am anyway?  
“What” I answered, not bothering to read the caller ID.  
“Good morning to you too sunshine” retorted Willam, sitting up in bed, I was confused, why was Willam calling me?  
“It’s so early. I barely had any sleep, and my head hurts” I complained, hearing a few laughs in the background.  
“Well, since your awake, want to come over for breakfast? A bunch of us are meeting here and going to school together. We have some sort of senior movie thing after lunch so sleep during that like everyone else Needles.” She yelled into the phone, over the other voices.  
Damn these people are close.  
I agreed to go purely because of the chance Alaska might be there, I wanted to talk to her about last night. Going downstairs I saw my mum sitting on the couch watching some breakfast show, and telling her where I was going, she smiled and offered to take me.  
“I’m glad you made friends already Shar” she said as she was pulling out of the driveway, I told her quickly about everyone on the drive, leaving out one person.  
“Someone catch your eye?” she teased.  
“Actually yeah” I admitted “I’ll tell you after school, I promise” kissing her cheek and thanking her for the ride, I knocked on Willam’s door, expecting Willam to answer but I was surprised to see Alaska standing at the door holding a cup of coffee. I took a deep breath and smiled at her, and she smiled back softly.  
“Hi” I whispered.  
“Why are you whispering” she asked “Are you going to tell me a secret?” I nodded.  
I boldly moved my face closer to hers, testing the boundaries she had, being surprised that she let me within an inch of her face, moving her hair out of the way.  
I leaned in and whispered “I’m going to kill Willam if she ever wakes me up this early again”  
“Not a morning person then” she said, turning around and walking towards the kitchen where everyone was sitting at the table eating.  
Sitting down to eat, I probably watched her too much but no one said anything so maybe they didn’t notice. She moved food around her plate and ate slow mouthfuls a few times when Willam raised her eyebrows at her. I was pulled out of my thoughts when I heard my name called repeatedly.  
“What?” I asked, confused.  
“How was your first day silly” laughed Courtney  
“And more importantly, how did you like the party?” yelled Roxy over the table.  
“Both were really good. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a school that’s so relaxed about everything. And Roxy, your party was amazing.” I smiled, looking directly at Alaska, as she looked down at her lap. Feeling defeated, I looked around the room, catching Willam’s eye, she winked again, and took out her phone. The conversation died out as we finished our food, we all got up to go to school, and I realized I walked here, I didn’t have a car, and I wasn’t sure how far the school was, I could use the gps on my phone, or I could ask someone for a ride.  
“Come on, we’ll be late again” said Alaska from behind me, she briefly took my hand, but dropped it quickly. I followed her into her car, where Willam and Courtney already sat in the backseat, so I took the passenger seat next to Alaska, and listened to them argue over when it was too early to play Christmas music. When we reached the school, we all sat in the car not wanting to face the cold, we continued our conversations until we heard the bell ring and we sprinted out, throwing all our stuff in the nearest locker which was Courtney’s.  
The first few classes were painfully boring, Willam tried to make it interesting by making sarcastic remarks to teachers, but that just made teachers yell, and our headaches hurt more.  
By lunch, I was a zombie. Going through the motions, just so I could get back into bed, and pass out. I saw Alaska walking towards her locker struggling to hold all her stuff, and avoid being pushed by people going towards the cafeteria.  
“Here, let me take that” I said, taking her bag from her. She smiled thankfully, and opened her locker.  
“You know, I never told you my name” she frowned “You told me yours, but I didn’t introduce myself”  
“Hi, I’m Sharon” I laughed, and stuck my hand out for her to shake it. Watching her carefully, I saw a small smile form on her face, and disappear when she saw my hand.  
“Alaska” she whispered, still staring at my extended hand. Slowly, I began to move it down and she watched with a frown on her face.  
“It’s fine” I said carefully.  
“it’s not. I’m a freak, I’m sorry.” She mumbled, and walked away. Unsure, of what to do, I watched her walk into the bathroom and I ran in after her. She was standing at the sink, looking down, breathing deeply, tears forming in her eyes.  
“I just need a minute” she choked out, not meeting my eyes.  
“Take all the time you need” I said gently.  
“You can go. I’m fine” she insisted.  
“I know you are. But I want to stay, is that okay? I asked her, she nodded.  
I watched her change from a girl that was on the verge of tears to someone who had it all together and it scared me. She shouldn’t be used to this.  
She stared at herself in the mirror, and I approached slowly until I was by her side.  
“Tell me if your uncomfortable” I frowned, she flinched as my hand lightly touched her back.  
We stayed like that for a while, reminded me of last night and I was even more determined to win her over.  
“We should go” she stated “It’s weird just standing in a bathroom”  
So we left, joining the others for the rest of lunch, we got a few looks when we got to the table but no one said anything. Alaska had no food again.  
“What exactly are we doing for the next two hours?” asked Courtney.  
“Basically a free period, but their playing some sort of history documentary?” explained Detox.  
“How exciting” replied Willam sarcastically.  
“Why though?” persisted Courtney  
“Most of us are failing history. So, their trying to make it interesting, I guess.” Shrugged Detox, getting up as the bell rang.  
We entered the huge auditorium, and found seats, I made sure I was sitting next to Alaska, basically in touching proximity, but I decided until she asked me to, I wouldn’t touch her. I didn’t want to push her in any way.  
“Alright Seniors, most of you have history this period or next so we decided that since the History test scores were pretty low to show you a credible documentary on the unit we are studying. This is to help you, if you don’t want to take advantage of it, that’s fine. But don’t disturb others either. We will be discussing points at the end if we have time” yelled Ms. Del Rio, and she ran out the door leaving two other teachers to work the projector. The lights were turned off, and the two teachers sat down, marking papers under the lights of their laptops.  
Looking around, some people were doing homework, some were on their phones and some had their heads on the tables from boredom or from being tired.  
My friends all started to move around, leaning their heads back, leaning on each other and closing their eyes. I saw Alaska move around in her chair, trying to get comfortable but it was a struggle in these hard chairs. I caught her eye and smiled widely, and received a tight smile back. She tried to take notes for the first ten minutes but gave up when someone started snoring. She closed her eyes lightly, and leaned back in her chair.  
She was so pretty.  
“Stop staring at me” she whispered.  
“Me? Never do I stare at anyone” I challenged.  
“Yeah yeah. I wish I had a blanket.” She sighed.  
“I have a jacket” I offered.  
“You use it” she insisted, opening her eyes to look at me.  
“I’ll take one side you take the other” I offered, she turned to look at me.  
“It’s pretty big, we could both use it.” I continued.  
“That’s what he said” she laughed lightly.  
“What are you? Twelve?” I retorted, moving closer towards her but making sure not to touch her. I put my jacket over our legs and she smiled widely. The first real smile.  
We both turned towards our friends and saw Willam and Courtney cuddled up, Alaska quickly took a photo.  
“They’re cute” I added.  
She didn’t respond, instead she frowned, deep in thought.  
“Do you want something like that? Like sometime?” she blurted out.  
I nodded, looking deep into her eyes.  
“Do you?” I whispered  
“Yeah” she responded.  
I saw her chest rise, and fall. And I heard her take deep breathes, and then she moved further away from me.  
Sighing, I turned away, and for the next half an hour I paid attention to what we were all meant to be watching. I stopped paying attention when from the corner of my eye I saw Alaska move her hand towards me, as though she wanted to get my attention. I watched as she tried to move her hand towards me, and I watched as she moved it back hesitantly. I saw Willam and Courtney watching too while they smiled, and eventually her hand reached where mine was resting in my lap. If I had blinked in that moment I would have missed it, her index finger touched my hand and as quickly as it happened it was over quicker.  
Looking at her, I noticed she was smiling proudly, as though she’d just done the most exciting thing in the world. Seeing her smile, made me smile.  
Not wanting to push my luck, I decided against taking her hand and holding it like I wanted to, but instead settled for watching her move closer to me, the rest of the period she sat unbearably close to me without touching me but I knew we were moving forward.  
Alaska stayed and talked to a teacher as we filed out of the auditorium, telling us she’ll catch up later.  
“She likes you” stated Willam casually.  
“What?” I pretended not to know what she was talking about.  
“Cut the shit Needles, she likes you and you know it. Don’t fuck her around, she doesn’t deserve it” yelled Courtney.  
“The world” I said as they looked at me with confused expressions.  
“That’s what she deserves.” I clarified.  
We walked silently towards the exist, seeing Alaska already in the car staring off into space.  
“How did you get here before us?” asked Willam getting into the back seat.  
“I have my ways” she winked.  
She took Willam home and Courtney went with Willam, and it was just us.  
“Where am I taking you?” she asked, eyes never leaving the road ahead.  
The only talking was done by me, giving her directions to my house, other than that the ride was silent.  
“Want to come in?” I asked her as she parked in front of my house. She bit her lip.  
“I don’t bite” I said, trying to convince her.  
Reluctantly, she nodded.  
“Unless you ask me to” I whispered under my breath, hoping she didn’t hear me.  
I went into the kitchen to get water and found her looking at the photos that decorated the walls.  
My baby photos, photos with my grandparents, and school photos. It was like a shrine of Sharon.  
“You were a cute kid” she acknowledged my presence.  
“Past tense?” I asked her, edging closer to her.  
“Yep” she brushed me off, and I fought off every instinct to grab her and kiss her but I knew that would be way too much. For both of us.  
Instead of finishing all the homework we had, we watched horror movies, making our way through first two Halloween movies, I liked watching her roll her eyes, and yell things at the TV, and I especially liked how she moved slowly more towards me until her leg was touching mine.  
“I should go” she yawned, getting up from the couch and stretching.  
“One more?” I asked her, wanting to stay longer.  
“We have so much shit do to though” she whined.  
Standing up to walk her out, I tried to think of anything that could make her stay, but I couldn’t think of anything that would work.  
We stood at her car awkwardly staring at each other, wondering what to say, or do.  
“See you tomorrow” she whispered in a barely audible voice, looking up at me.  
“I had fun” I stated “We should probably finish of the series though”  
“Well it would be morally wrong of us to leave it unfinished” Alaska agreed.  
“Tomorrow?” I asked.  
“Tomorrow.” She replied, getting into her car and leaving me standing outside.  
“Is that her?” I heard my mom ask from her car window.  
Turning to face her, I nodded and we walked into the house, and I began to tell her about the wonder that was Alaska.  
*4 weeks later*

Almost every day we hung out after school, and almost every day Alaska began to feel more comfortable with me. She told me shitty jokes, that made herself laugh more than they made me laugh. But the pain in her eyes never left. Some days she was shut down, and didn’t let me near her, and others she was pushing herself. Those days were the best days. She would touch my hands, holding them for brief periods, and she would lean onto my shoulder. The more our friendship progressed, the more I wanted her. 

I had the school routine down, I fit in with my group of friends, some more than others but that was fine. Adore, Alaska, Courtney, Willam and I were all extremely close. We spent a lot of time together, they joined our movie nights sometimes, while Detox and Roxy were much more reserved, inviting us to parties sometimes. 

Today was one of the bad days. A frown was permanently on her face, eyes full of tears, sitting on the floor instead of the couch, knees pulled up to her chest, as though she was protecting herself from me. We’d just finished Child’s play, and she hadn’t said a word, not even to make fun of the bad acting. She’d gotten up, and just left and I stood there speechless. I went to open my door, and she was standing there, in tears. Before I could ask anything, she kissed me softly. Gently like she was scared to break me. Or herself. She pulled away, and left me speechless again.


	4. Tears and dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of something new

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of abuse not in details though, indication of PTSD but not mentioned  
> Thanks to everyone that reads and comments!  
> I think so far, this chapter has been my favorite to write.

APOV:  
It was impossible to ignore my feelings for her anymore, I wanted her like I’ve never wanted anyone else in my life.  
I was fucked.  
Almost every day after school we spent together,talking or watching movies and occasionally I could convince her to do some homework but today was different.  
I was irritated with myself all day, I wanted her so bad, but I couldn’t convince myself to make a move. I even started going to therapy again, twice a week when I wasn’t with Sharon. I even got a dog, a suggestion from my therapist, well she suggested a fish but I wanted to go big or go home.  
I went to the shelter and there she was, a huge tan Bullmastiff. Taken away from her owners that neglected her, I was convinced she was the one for me. Stella is my best friend, even though she destroys my house sometimes. I didn’t tell anyone about Stella, she was my secret, and since no one ever came to my house, it was perfect us.  
Sharon was so patient with me, and gentle. Letting me initiate contact, never pushing me for more than I could give. But I knew eventually she’d get sick of me, she’d realize that she deserves more than me. She could find someone normal.  
I was sat on her the floor holding my legs to my chest to stop me from falling apart, holding back tears, trying to stop myself from throwing up the salad Willam had got me to eat. I couldn’t help but think about how disappointed she looked when I moved away from her, and how much better she deserved. I was brought out of my trance by the credits of Child’s Play, and I couldn’t be here anymore. Without saying a word, I left.  
Instantly regretting it, I waited for her to come outside hoping that she’d come after me not caring that tears were running down my face.  
She opened the door and opened her mouth to speak and I leaned in and kissed her gently. Before she realized what was happening I forced my lips away from hers, tears still flowing down my face.  
She was silent, and I knew I made a mistake.  
I ran to my car, not looking back at her, not being able to face her.  
My thoughts were filled with her as I drove home, the first time I held her hand, how she smiled every time I talked, and the first time I smiled at her properly. How did I manage to screw up one of the best people I had in my life? Why did I always do this?  
My phone was ringing, she was calling. She’s called 3 times. Probably to tell me she hated me, she wanted a normal relationship and not me.  
Turning off my phone, I walked into my house not knowing what to do. Or where to go. Walking past a mirror, I saw the bags under my eyes, my makeup down my face, the bones visible in my face and body.  
How did I think she wanted me? I was a monster. I was sitting on the floor of my living room when  
Stella ran up to me, knocking me over and lying next to me.  
I felt a little better with her presence, I stayed there with her a while just thinking about Sharon, and how I was going to face her on Monday.  
Needing to think, I picked up Stella’s leash and took her for a walk.  
The dark didn’t scare me as much anymore, we walked around the streets for a while before returning home, on my porch there was a figure standing and knocking on my door.  
Coming closer, I saw it was Sharon. How did she know where I lived? Probably Willam.  
I went to turn around, but Stella barked, and Sharon turned around and saw us standing there.  
She came closer, and my not so well behaved dog went nuts, trying to control her gave me a short window to think about what to say to her. Or if I should just tell her to leave.  
“I called Willam. I was so worried about you” she said from a distance.  
“I’m sorry” I whispered, walking towards her slowly, trying my hardest not to cry in front of her again.  
“About what Laska?” she asked gently.  
“Kissing you. And my dog” I answered back awkwardly, staring at my feet.  
“Can I come in? Please.” She begged, I wasn’t sure. No one ever came inside my house, Willam knew where it was in case of emergency but never inside.  
“Please” she whispered again, and I nodded hearing the desperation in her voice.  
I opened my door, and she walked in hesitantly past Stella.  
“Are you okay with dogs” I asked.  
“I’m a little scared, got bit when I was little” she admitted.  
“I’ll go put her away” I said, not meeting her eyes walking towards my kitchen.  
“No. Please don’t go” she insisted “I’ll be okay”.  
She was looking around the living room, sat on the couch stiffly. I moved slowly towards her, still holding Stella on her leash.  
I heard her breath hitch when I came within touching distance, and realized that she was more than a little scared of dogs.  
“She’s a giant puppy, I promise” I spoke gently. She was always gentle and kind with my fears, I wanted to be that for her. Even if she didn’t want what I did. I backed away from her.  
“She’s cute, even if she could tear me apart in a minute” Sharon laughed lightly.  
“I wouldn’t let anything hurt you” I whispered without thinking. Shit. Maybe she didn’t hear me.  
“Maybe you two can help me get over my fear” she said making herself more comfortable on the couch.  
And for the first time that day, I looked deeply into her eyes, and smiled.  
I sat down opposite her on another couch, trying to figure out what do or say next. Stella whined and pulled on her leash to be let go.  
“Come here” I indicated towards the seat next to me, and holding my hand out to her. She immediately took my hand, and sat down next to me, I could hear her breathing deeply.  
I let go of her hand, and she sighed. I let Stella off her leash, and she instantly was sniffing around Sharon’s legs.  
“Relax, and maybe put your hand out to her” I instructed, and she did.  
“See, she’s harmless” I smiled up at her. Enjoying just being here with her, even if the conversation was about to turn sour.  
After a while, Stella got bored of us, and jumped on the couch, preferring to nap than watch us be silent.  
“Why are you here” I asked, frowning.  
“You kissed me while you were crying, left me on my porch without a word, and then didn’t answer your phone. I was so fucking worried about you” Sharon replied with a frown on her face as well.  
“Why?” I asked her statically.  
“Because since the first day that I saw you walking up the school steps, I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind. I want to try things with you Alaska, I want to do all the couple bullshit that we make fun of.” She said while looking directly into my eyes.  
“You shouldn’t want that” I sighed.  
“Why?” she asked me while I was avoiding any eye contact.  
“Because you deserve more. I’m not normal Sharon, and you know that. I’ve been trying so fucking hard to be normal, but I can’t. What if I can’t ever feel comfortable being touched? Are you saying you want a relationship where you can’t touch your girlfriend? Where you can’t go out anywhere because your freak of a girlfriend is scared someone will grab her? Where you can’t be intimate?” I paced up and down the living room.  
She stood in front of me.  
I stood silently, memorizing her features in my mind in case this was the last time I saw her like this.  
“I’m proud of you for trying. And don’t say I pity you, because that’s the last thing I feel for you. Hell, I’m scared of dogs, but I’m standing her in your house with a dog that weighs more than I do but I would do this every fucking day for you if it meant that I could be with you. Just think about it baby, please.”  
She was in touching distance now, I could feel her breath on my face, and I wanted to kiss her, and tell her that I’ll try anything for her but my body refused to move. I must have been silent for a while, because she began to walk away towards the front door.  
“Stay” I croaked out, my voice beginning to break, tears beginning to fall down my cheeks again. She turned around, and her eyes went wide when she saw me standing there.  
“You want me to stay?” I nodded.  
“I can do it” I said, to both her, and to reassure myself.  
This was Sharon, I had already gotten close to her, I liked her. I’ve liked her for a while, I can do this.  
“Don’t cry” she whispered.  
I wrapped my arms around her neck lightly, and her hands gently found their way to my waist.  
“Tighter” I said, surprising us both.  
Her arms wrapped around me tightly, and it felt right.  
We pulled away, and stared at each other for a while and I knew I had to tell her, there was no way around it.  
“Can you stay for a while?” I asked her, and she nodded animatedly.  
I walked her up to my bedroom, the only place I felt comfortable in my house, with Stella following behind us. I wanted to laugh when Sharon forgot she existed until she was hit with her tail and jumped a foot into the air but I didn’t, deciding to be serious.  
I got comfortable on my bed and Sharon sat cross-legged next to me and we stared at each other for a while, neither of us speaking when Stella jumped on the bed, and scared Sharon with how close she was.  
“Careful baby” I told Stella, patting her head.  
I cleared my throat and told Sharon I had to tell her something, and she nodded stretching out her legs, tangling them with mine.  
“When I was 13, I told my parents I liked girls, they were horrified, their only child was a lesbian. My parents were those high society assholes that everyone hates. They took it upon themselves to straighten me out as they called it. I went on dates with boys that they knew through friends. It was incredibly awkward, until I was set up with a guy called Lucas when I was like 15, I thought if my parents thought that these feelings were wrong they must be. They made me feel dirty, and Lucas was nice. He was like my best friend, so naïve little Alaska told him that sometimes girls made her horny and he flipped out, landed me in the hospital, said I’d fell down the stairs. No one questioned the bruises, the scars, or why my bones were so clearly visible for about a year. Until I met Courtney, and Willam at some party Lucas dragged me to, to show off his girlfriend. He was pissed I was talking to them, called me a bunch of names, Willam and him argued, and they refused to let me leave with him, insisting that I stay with them, and I did. And then I never went home, I got emancipated, my grandparents left me an inheritance, and this house and here I am. And that ladies and gentlemen is why I am so fucked up” I finished, looking up at Sharon unable to read her face.  
“Willam and Courtney?” she whispered, and I nodded, wishing and hoping I didn’t freak her out too much.  
“I’m sorry, I freaked you out” I said sitting up on the bed.  
“It’s a lot to process. I’m trying to figure out, how to thank Willam and Courtney, how to make you feel better, and how to prove to you that I’ll never let anything like that happen to you again” she admitted.  
“Well, I know how you can make me feel better right now” I flirted, wanting to steer the conversation away from this topic.  
“And how would that be?” she asked, grinning widely.  
I leaned towards her face, until my lips were ghosting over hers, and just as I was about to kiss her, Stella came up towards us and licked her face.  
I couldn’t help it and started to laugh, and soon she joined in laughing with me while Stella put her head between our legs so we would pat her.  
“See she likes you” I said to Sharon in between laughs.  
“I like you” she said seriously.  
“I like you too” I replied, getting up off the bed, Sharon whined.  
“I have to pee.” I responded “Come on I’ll give you a tour of the house”  
I gave her the quickest tour of my house, and left her in the kitchen while I went to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, I looked kind of better. Less scary.  
I found her sitting at the table of my kitchen eating a banana and talking to Stella.  
“You’re not too bad Stella, if you don’t eat me, I think we’ll get along fine” she said with her mouthful.  
“You have a habit of making yourself comfortable everywhere you go, don’t you?” I said from behind the counter.  
“You scared the shit out of me asshole, and yes I do. It’s a talent” she replied, walking up towards the counter.  
“Well, I’m glad you have a talent then. Tea?” I said smugly.  
She nodded and offered me a piece of her banana, holding it to my mouth where I had no choice but to take a bite.  
Satisfied with herself, she moved to where I was standing, ushering me out of the kitchen and deciding that she was going to make tea.  
“It’s my house, you can’t kick me out of my own kitchen” I pouted.  
“Well surely I have some rights in my own girlfriend’s house” I exclaimed.  
“Girlfriend? Who said anything about girlfriend?” I teased, she looked at me for a minute, and came towards me holding a cup of tea, standing in front of me, she knelt.  
“Alaska, will you do me the honor of accepting this tea, and becoming my girlfriend”  
We both burst out laughing at the same time, both ending up on the floor.  
By the time we’d both calmed down, I glanced over to where the clock was. Midnight.  
“Stay over?” I asked “It’s a Friday anyway”  
“Are you sure you’re comfortable with that?” she responded, and I nodded, getting up of the floor, offering her my hand.  
“Let me just call my mom and let her know” she said, moving my hair out of my face.  
“I’ll be upstairs” I yelled as I walked away, giving her privacy.  
I picked up my phone, and saw Sharon’s missed calls, texts and texts from the group chat I was in with Willam and Courtney. I sent them a quick text.  
‘Told Sharon about L, everything is fine’ and with that I turned my phone off, knowing they’d both call a million times. Trying to find something for Sharon to sleep in, my thoughts were going a mile a minute.  
Do we sleep in the same bed? Am I ready for that? What if she wants more than sleeping? But she can’t fit on the couch. But I want her near me. What if I have a nightmare and knock her out with my flailing arms. I didn’t even hear Sharon when she walked in, I just felt her arms wrap themselves around my waist.  
“Hey gorgeous” she whispered “I’ll sleep on the couch, I don’t want to push you” She kissed the top of my head, took the pajamas I was holding, a blanket and a pillow of my bed and left downstairs.  
Frowning I got into my bed, and tried to sleep, but I kept tossing and turning around.  
Taking my own pillow, I walked downstairs and saw Sharon had made a bed on the floor with blankets and Stella had taken the couch above her. Sharon’s blanket was falling off her body, and she was shivering in her sleep.  
I put my pillow next to hers, and got my blankets from upstairs, and covered us both.  
Smiling widely when I heard Sharon mutter my name in her sleep. I quickly fell asleep next to Sharon, her even breathing lulling me to sleep. 

 

“Alassssska” I heard my name being called, opening my eyes, I was in a white room. This isn’t my house.  
“She doesn’t love you Alaska” the voice was back.  
“No one can love you”  
“Come back to me Alaska”  
“Dirty”  
“You can’t run”  
“Wrong”  
“Slut”  
“Fat”  
I looked around the room again, and there were my parents and Lucas, standing around me, trapping me in in a circle. They were yelling. Each word burning my skin. I tried to scream but couldn’t. I couldn’t move, I was stuck in one place.

“Wake up baby” I heard another voice say, a soft, beautiful voice. Sharon.  
“It’s only a nightmare, your safe here” she continued.  
I opened my eyes, and the first thing I saw was Sharon’s blue eyes staring deeply into mine.  
“Sorry” I said, and she shook her head.  
“Don’t be. When did you come down here?” Sharon asked, propping herself up on her elbow.  
“A while ago, I couldn’t sleep” I admitted, pulling her back down, she smiled at me.  
“You said my name before” I say to her sheepishly.  
“It was a good dream” she whispered “a really good one”  
I think I was the color of a tomato in that moment, being thankful that the room was dark.  
“Sorry for waking you” I said  
“Stop being sorry for everything, and you’re here so it’s better than a dream anyway” she replied, edging closer towards me, stopping when she was a few inches away.  
“Come here” I commanded, needing her as close as possible. Lifting my head up slightly, I brought our lips together. Our legs tangled around each other, and my hands were in her hair, while her hands rested on my waist, occasionally pulling me up towards her. A soft moan escaped her mouth as I pulled her hair slightly lifting her head up and moved my mouth down towards her neck, leaving small bites on the sensitive parts of her neck, enjoying the sounds that were escaping her mouth. While I was kissing her, my mind was completely blank, no bad thoughts or memories for once.  
Only her. 

I pulled away first to catch my breath, I looked at her and she was grinning like the Cheshire cat.  
“Better than a dream” she said, placing a few small kisses on my neck.  
“If this is how I’ll get woken up every day, your welcome here every day” I laughed, allowing myself to forget my nightmare.  
“Mm, I’m tempted” she said, pulling me close to her until my head was on her chest.  
“How do know exactly what I like already” she asked.  
“Because I’m the best girlfriend ever” I replied, closing my eyes.  
“And the prettiest. And smartest. And kindest. Did I say prettiest?” she yawned.  
“Goodnight babe” I said to her, moving off her chest, and wrapping my body around hers.  
The last thing I felt was Sharon place a kiss on my forehead before I drifted off to a nice dreamless sleep.


	5. Doubt and Regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thanks to everyone for reading and leaving comments xx

SPOV:  
I woke up with my face pressed into a tangle of blonde hair, and I remembered where I was, who I was with and what happened the night before. It felt right, warm and safe. Moving her hair out of my face, I pulled her as close as I could against my body and holding her there, letting it all sink in.  
Alaska stirred in her sleep and turned around so she was facing me, I watched her eyes flutter open looking directly into mine.  
“You need to stop the staring, Needles” she whispered sleepily, pulling the blankets up around her but she made no move away from me, instead she moved closer and laced our fingers together.  
“It’s creepy” she continued, while trying to suppress a yawn.  
“I like creepy. How can we wake up so early on Saturday but when I have school, I could sleep the entire day? I think it’s because our brains are more relaxed on weekends, they don’t have to go through the mental torture that is high school” I thought out loud.  
“First the staring issues, and now you’re talking to yourself? You’re crazier than I am” she said while sitting up in our make shift bed.  
“Maybe that’s why your so in love with me” I replied, moving my head into her lap.  
“Don’t push it” she rolled her eyes.  
We sat in silence for a while, her hands found their way into my hair and for the next few minutes we were at peace just being together, but knowing eventually we’ll have to have the dreaded conversation about what we are.  
“Shouldn’t we talk about this?” she asked, reading my thoughts “I mean you know more about this relationship stuff then I do”  
“It’s whatever you want it to be, I just want to be around you, even if you constantly make crappy jokes that no one thinks are funny apart from yourself” I said looking up at her with a serious face.  
“I am a comical genius, it’s not my fault you can’t keep up. Seriously though, I like what we have here, but I don’t know if I can do it out there” Alaska frowned, suddenly losing all confidence in herself, placing her hands at the sides of her body and avoiding looking directly at me.  
I watched as her breath became short and uneven, eyes full of tears that threatened to fall, and her face and chest became red and flustered. I told her to breath slowly while I moved to a sitting position where I could reach for her hand, and I held it lightly, whispering words of encouragement to her until her breath evened out, and she eventually leaned against me and we sat there in silence both unsure of what to do. It gave me time to think about this entire situation, one minute she was fine and kissing me like her life depended on it, and the next she was having a panic attack. Was I ready for this? I thought I was, but now I was doubting myself. Was she even ready for this?  
I knew I was attracted to her, and I wanted her in my life but was that enough?  
Our silence was broken by my phone, my mom texted me asking if I needed a ride home, I quickly replied yes, needing to have my own space to think. I told her I’d see her tonight, swept her up in a hug and kissed her forehead and I walked out quickly to avoid her gaze, I knew she was confused. But I knew if I turned around and looked at her, I’d run back in there and promise her all sorts of things that I couldn’t provide.  
Last night, I was calling her my girlfriend and kissing her and now I was trying to avoid being alone with her. 

It wasn’t until I got home, and explained everything to my mom that I realized what I’d done. She let her walls down finally, it was what I wanted all along and then I’d freaked out and left? Fuck.  
I texted her telling her I was sorry, and she’d replied in a minute that it was fine. Shit. When girls say it’s fine, nine times out of ten it’s not fine.  
My mom explained the complexity of Alaska’s situation through a health perspective, stressing the importance of support. Even my mom knew I’d fucked up. I considered going back to her house but decided against it, knowing I’d see her tonight and I could make it up to her then.  
I sent a text to Willam and Courtney telling them what happened, they’d both said I was stupid but they’d check on her, and soon enough Courtney replied that they got her to come to her house and she was fine. I let go of a deep breath I didn’t know I was holding. The rest of the day I spent restlessly walking around the house until it was time to get ready and go. The parties here, were different to the ones I’d been to, they were wild and could last for the entire night and into the early hours of the morning but they were also extremely relaxed, no one was fighting or arguing it was just a large group of people hanging out.  
None of my friends were there yet, so I downed a beer, or five and waited until I couldn’t wait anymore. I wanted to dance, and explore so I did. The more I danced, the more I drank and the more I drank the more relaxed I became. Still no sign of anyone I knew, I made friends with anyone willing to talk to me, and I did shots with whoever offered, but hours passed and no one showed up.  
The music was loud, and there were bodies pressed against each other on the dance floor, my mind was elsewhere as I grinded and sang out loud to songs I didn’t know the words to, I was drunk and happy.  
There was a girl, short and cute dancing with me, I didn’t know her name and I didn’t care to ask, but she got closer and closer to me, until her hands were around my neck, bringing me down to her height and she closed the space between our lips, but it felt wrong. Her lips were too hard and her mouth tasted wrong. It wasn’t soft, and sweet like Alaska.  
She wasn’t Alaska.  
I needed Alaska.  
Sobering up immediately, I pulled away and looked towards the door and sure enough there stood Willam and Courtney, both looking angrier then I’ve ever seen them. If they were there, then she was too.  
I sprinted outside, seeing a blonde head walking towards the door.  
It was her, I knew it was.  
“Lasky” I cried after her, but she didn’t turn around. I called her name over and over until eventually she turned around looking at me, tears streaming down her face, makeup running everywhere.  
“Why?” she whispered, attempting unsuccessfully to wipe away her tears and compose herself.  
I stared at her, marveling in her beauty, even in the moonlight with makeup smudged all over her face she was still the most beautiful person I’d seen in my entire life.  
“I was scared” I admitted to her, hoping she’d see that I was being honest with her, I tried to take her hand but she moved it out of my reach.  
“I trusted you” she said simply “I wanted you to turn out to be this amazing person that I could trust, and love but I guess that’s my fault for allowing myself to trust someone”  
In the corner of my eye, I could see Willam and Courtney standing there watching us.  
We stood there looking at each other, my heart broke even more watching tears fall down her face, nausea swept over me, and I felt light-headed.  
“Baby I’m going to be sick” I said trying to balance myself in my heels.  
Her eyes softened for a minute, and she opened her mouth to say something but before she said anything I was throwing up on the sidewalk. Fuck.  
“Will bring the car around, we can’t leave her here” she said, tossing Willam her keys, and instructing Courtney to get some water. They both walked away, and it was just us alone, her standing next to me while I was throwing up.  
Courtney was back first holding out a water bottle to me that I took, Alaska went to talk to Willam and I heard her tell her to stay here.  
They started talking in lower voices, and I couldn’t hear them anymore.  
“I fucked up Court” I said “She’s so perfect and I fucked it all up before even going on a date with her”  
“Yeah you did” she agreed with me.  
“Will she forgive me?” I asked hopefully.  
“No clue, you fucked up really bad” she replied frowning at me.  
Eventually Willam and Courtney left, and Alaska helped me into the car, warning me not to throw up in the car.  
“Why are you still so nice? Why are you taking care of me? I hurt you.” I frowned, angry at myself for hurting her.  
“Because whether I like it or not, I care about you” she answered truthfully.  
“I’m sorry” I tried to look at her but moving too much made me feel more sick. She never responded instead she looked straight ahead watching the road.  
“Can I stay with you?” I asked hopefully “I’ll sleep on the floor and I won’t bother you. I just can’t go home like this”  
She sighed, and nodded reluctantly.  
“My dad was an alcoholic, so mom freaks out whenever I get drunk. I guess it’s a habit of mine to hurt people I love” I said without thinking.  
By the time we’d got to her house I’d told her my entire family history, the good and the bad just hoping for her to respond but she stayed quiet and focused on driving. We walked into her house, I was met with Stella jumping on me.  
Alaska left to get me a pillow, and I sank down to the floor and was talking to Stella like she could understand me.  
“I fucked up Stella. I lost her forever and I didn’t even have her yet”  
She walked down, and offered me her hand to pull me up, gladly I accepted needing some form of contact with her.  
She led me to the living room, and guided me down to the floor, pulling blankets over me, and walked away without a word.  
“Alaska”  
“Are you going to be sick?” she asked. I shook my head and told her I just wanted her, not processing the words I was saying, but speaking just to hear her voice, needing a glimmer of hope that she could try to forgive me.  
“Go to sleep Sharon” she sighed.  
“It felt wrong Laska, it was so wrong. She wasn’t you, no one is you. I want to kiss you, and hug you and love you Laska. I was scared today because I didn’t know how to process everything and then I fucked up. I should have come back today and told you this and then you could be here with me but instead you hate me and you should hate me because I hurt you but I didn’t want to hurt you, I never want to hurt you” I mumbled.  
“I thought you said you weren’t going to bother me?” she asked with raised eyebrows but more tears had formed in her eyes.  
“I’m sorry” I replied “For everything”  
She sat down next to my pillow, and started to wipe away the tears I didn’t know were falling, her gentle touch causing me to start crying even more. I was ugly crying now, making noises and apologizing a million times in a minute.  
Alaska just sat there, wiping the tears of my face, and running her hands through my hair, attempting to calm me down.  
“Do you hate me” I asked in between sobs, looking up into her eyes.  
“I’m angry, and I’m hurt but I don’t hate you” she replied as she moved to stretch her legs out in front of her.  
“You should” I said “I don’t deserve this”  
For the first time in what seemed like forever our eyes met, and we stared at each other for a while.  
“Last night, I said you were my girlfriend and now I’m here crying because I already ruined it. I hate myself. You should hate me too.” I frowned my eyes never leaving hers.  
“Would that make it okay? If I hate you?” she asked.  
I was left speechless, I didn’t know how to respond or even if I should respond, instead I put my head on her lap, and sighed contently when she stroked my cheek.  
“I don’t know what I’m doing” she whispered, “We should probably go to sleep though”  
I shook my head, not wanting her to leave, needing comfort even if I didn’t deserve it.  
“Move over” she said, and I moved over making space for her, and pulling up the blankets so she could slide in. I looked at her with a confused expression.  
“I think we both need this right now, we can figure it all out tomorrow” she explained.  
“Thank you” I whispered, wrapping my arms around her, thanking every God I knew.  
She settled in against my chest, and I heard her sigh contently.  
“I’m sorry” I repeated for the umpteenth time.  
“Just hold me, please” she replied, hearing the need in her voice I pulled her in tighter.  
“I sleep better like this, no nightmares” she continued.  
“I want to hold you forever Alaska” I whispered into her hair, but she was already dead asleep.  
I didn’t deserve this, but I wasn’t going to complain about it. I would do anything to make it up to her, I’d gladly spend forever trying.


	6. Aftermath

SPOV:  
For the second morning, I woke up with my face tangled in blonde hair, but instead of the joy I felt yesterday, I was filled with dread as I remembered everything that happened. Everything I did to ruin what I worked hard for. My head was hurting, but my heart hurt more.   
She’d finally began to trust me, and I’d gone and kissed someone else. Someone that meant nothing to me, while I had someone that meant the world waiting for me.   
And she’d still taken care of me, even when I fucked up. I breathed in her scent, and pulled her tighter. Relishing in probably the final moments I’d be this close to her.   
Her body fit so perfectly next to mine, it wasn’t uncomfortable for me to hold her all night, it felt like she belongs there. I wasn’t sure anyone else would ever fit this seamlessly next to me, and I was certain I didn’t want anyone to try. We were like two pieces of a puzzle that completed each other.   
There was nothing I wanted more then to stay like this forever, her body pressed up against mine, and her scent intoxicating me more than any alcohol could.   
She turned in my arms so she was facing me and I was surprised with how peaceful she looked. Her lips parted slightly, and a soft moan escaped her lips. Memories of her lips against mine filled my head. How effortlessly our lips moved together and how sweet her mouth tasted.  
I felt horrible knowing that I hurt her. I made her cry, she didn’t deserve to cry. She deserved someone that made her laugh all day. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think I could have a relationship with her without screwing it up.   
Her eyes began to slowly open, and I loosened my hold on her to give her some space but instead she moved her head onto my chest and her eyes closed again.   
A smile lit up my face as I watched her bury her head into my chest. The smile soon disappeared when I realized that as soon as she woke up, it’d all be over.   
And that’s what I deserved, I didn’t deserve to be holding her.  
But I’d never stop trying for her. I’d start all over again.  
Earning her touch. Earning the privilege to kiss her and call her mine.   
Praying to Satan that somehow, some day, everything would be fine and I’d be able to say that Alaska was my girlfriend, and more importantly, she’d be proud to be mine. 

Feeling this way was a new experience for me, I’d never cared about someone this strongly or wanted someone so badly. I allowed my eyes to close, and wrapped my arms around her small waist, pulling her body as close as I could towards me. 

“I’m going to fix this, I promise” I whispered into her hair as I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

Cold. Why am I cold? I reached around the makeshift bed and found it empty and cold where Alaska’s body used to be. I sat up confused and slightly dizzy. My head was killing me, it hurt to blink.   
“Alaska?” I called out.  
Silence. Not even her dog was here.   
I searched her whole house, calling her name as I went and trying to ignore the pounding headache and the disorientation I felt.   
Alaska wasn’t anywhere, she probably left to avoid having to speak to me.   
I walked past a mirror and saw my own reflection, my clothes from last night wrinkled, makeup smudged all over my puffy face, and my hair was sticking up at all angles. I looked like a tortured Barbie doll.   
“Sharon” I heard Alaska whisper from behind me.   
I replied to her with a nod, and stared at my feet like they were the most interesting things in the world.   
“Your makeup is terrible” she said, I wasn’t sure if she was attempting to lighten the mood, or whether she was serious.  
“We should talk” I said, still not meeting her gaze. If I looked in her eyes, I knew I’d see disappointment. And I hated knowing I’d caused her pain. But as much as I could hope that Satan could turn back time and change what I did, I knew it was impossible. I’d have to lose her, before I could have her again properly.  
I watched her walk towards the kitchen, and I followed behind her. My mind was running a mile a minute trying to figure out what to say. We ended up sitting in silence for what seemed like hours but it was only a few minutes.   
I finally looked up at her, searching her face for any indication of what she wanted me to say or do but I found nothing but a pair of green eyes staring back at me.   
I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out, instead she spoke first.  
“I don’t know what to say to you” Her voice conveyed no emotion.  
“I know I fucked up, but I want this. I do.” I replied desperately. Reaching to hold her hands from across the table but she moved out of my reach. She stood up from her chair and began to pace around the kitchen.  
“How am I supposed to trust you Sharon? I trusted you on Friday night, and told you everything. By Saturday you freaked out, left and then kissed someone else. I know I’m difficult, and fucked up but I don’t deserve that.” Her face softened for a minute, but quickly it restored to the emotionless mask that she had before.   
“I’m so sorry Alaska” I replied, “I’ll do anything you need me to, just please don’t cut me out of your life.”  
“What happens if eventually I do forgive you? Do we forget it happened? Because I can’t do that. I don’t want to worry that anytime we have an argument or we get angry at each other you’ll leave and do it again.” She said slowly, her voice cracking.  
“I won’t” I whispered, moving towards her slowly.   
“I don’t know that” she replied watching me edge closer to her.  
She didn’t move away from me, so I guess that was a step in the right direction.   
“I’ll prove it, I will.” I said, determined to make this work.  
“I so badly want to hurt you the way you hurt me, but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to hurt you, and you it so easy for you. Even if we weren’t together, it still hurt so fucking much. Can we even rebuild trust?” she questioned, I was stunned. I had no idea how to answer, so many thoughts ran through my head, but nothing seemed like a good enough answer.   
“Exactly” she whispered after my long silence, and turned away from me.  
Finally I was within reach of her, and without a second thought I grabbed her shoulders and turned her around to face me.  
“I’m going to try” I stared into her eyes trying to convince her I was serious. She wiggled out of my arms, but gave me a weak smile through her teary eyes.  
“You might want to clean yourself up before you go” she said walking away from me. 

The next day, Alaska didn’t show up to school, and the day felt longer than usual without her. It was weird sitting at lunch without her.   
Willam and Courtney barely spoke to anyone apart from each other, if looks could kill I would’ve died this morning when they saw me.   
“Where’s Lasky Willam?” asked Adore, twirling her hair around her fingers.   
“Yeah I haven’t heard from her all weekend, is she sick?” Roxy questioned with a frown on her face.  
“Yeah she’s not feeling too well. Probably a cold” Answered Courtney without missing a beat.  
The rest of our lunch period stayed silent.  
My eyes met Willam’s briefly and she motioned for me to get up.  
We walked outside the cafetoria followed by Courtney.  
“What the fuck is wrong with you Sharon?” asked Willam when we were far enough without anyone hearing.   
Courtney started to say something, but Willam cut her off.  
“No Court, she fucked up. She liked you, asshole. It took us ages to convince her that you liked her too, and then you fuck it up in the worse way possible. What is wrong with you?” she continued to yell.   
“You think I don’t know that I fucked up? It was a moment where I didn’t think properly. But I’m trying to fix it. I really am” I said softly.   
“Yeah until the next argument you have, are you going to not think again?” asked Willam rolling her eyes.  
Courtney smacked her on the arm.  
“No. I won’t-“   
Willam cut me off, and looked at me pointedly.  
“She doesn’t know that Sharon. This is going to take time and work, and to be completely honest, I don’t think you’re ready for that. Alaska is one of the best people on Earth, but she comes with her own issues. She doesn’t need you weighing her down more.”   
Willam walked back into the cafeteria after finishing her speech. I was speechless. Did she have a point?  
“Don’t listen to her. You both need each other, she’s been happier since you came here. If you want to fix it, I can help you. But that’s only if you want to fix it for the right reasons. Think about it.” Said Courtney, placing her hand on my shoulder and squeezing lightly.   
“I do want to fix it. I’ll do anything for her, she makes everything better” I replied seriously.  
“Has Sharon Needles gone soft? I can’t believe this. You have feelings. I wish I recorded that.” She joked.  
“Funny” I said rolling my eyes at her.   
“But seriously, I’ll get Will on board and we can help you get your dream girl back” Courtney smiled at me.  
“Willam won’t help. She hates me” I sighed.  
“I don’t think so” She said, I looked at her and raised my eyebrows at her, motioning for her to continue.  
“When we met Alaska, she was just a shell of a person, so when we got her out of that toxic environment Willam took it upon herself to pick up all the pieces. Then you came to this school, and you made her happier. She talked more, smiled more, laughed more. She looked at you like you hung the fucking moon, so we assumed this was it for our Alaska, she was finally happy. And then you pull that shit show on Saturday and Willam thinks you’re just playing with her feelings. I don’t think she hates you, she just needs to know your serious.”  
I nodded slowly.   
“How do I fix this Court?” I asked. She thought for a few minutes and looked around the hallway we were standing in.   
“You two hang out like every day after school, so keep doing that. Make her your friend again before anything. Get her to trust you again, because without trust, any relationship is fucked. When you have that friendship, come see us and we’ll help you woo her into your arms” she said dreamily.  
I opened my mouth to speak but was cut off by the bell. Courtney left to get to her class, and I stared at my phone for a few seconds. I decided to text her.   
-Hope you feel okay. Can I see you today? Please.   
She replied within minutes.  
-Yeah.   
I walked to my class with a smile firmly planted on my face, it was a start. I counted the minutes until my classes were over, wanting them to end so I could go see her.   
I practically ran to her house when the bell went, pushing everyone that got in my way.  
I was winded by the time I’d gotten to her door.  
Alaska opened the door before I could knock wearing oversized sweats with her hair pulled at the top of her head.  
“Hi” she said softly, opening the door for me to come in.


	7. Comfort

APOV:  
Betrayal, disgust, and rejection.  
These emotions ran through my brain when I saw Sharon kissing that girl.  
Fear was what I felt when she was crying. Scared of my own feelings.  
I wanted to hate her, I wanted to crawl in a ball and sleep under a rock until I died, but I couldn’t. I wanted to go find someone and hurt her the way she hurt me, but I couldn’t, not when she was crying and throwing up. The only thing I wanted to do was hug her, and tell her it was okay that we’ll work through it but I didn’t know if we could. I didn’t know if I could forgive and forget.  
Could I forgive? Yes.  
Could I forget? No. I would be thinking about it every day, every time she kissed me or touched me. It would run through my thoughts like a broken record until we crashed and burn. The logical side of me knew this, but this didn’t stop me from taking her back to my house, or running my hands through her hair attempting to calm her down. It didn’t stop me from cuddling up to her, or letting her kiss my head whispering apologies.  
I woke up with my head buried in her chest and I took in her beauty even with her messy makeup, she was still stunning. I hated this situation that we were in. But I had only myself to blame. If I wasn’t so messed up, it wouldn’t have happened.  
Our conversation was painful. I was pushing her away when I didn’t want to, but I needed to. I needed that time alone to process. But a glimmer of hope was lit when she promised me she’d keep trying.  
When she left, I cried. I cried all day, and the next day. Reliving every moment, every insult that was thrown my way, every punch that could have killed me, every insincere word that was said.  
Willam called me, she said everyone missed me, and she hoped I was okay. I smiled.  
I told Willam I loved her and Courtney, they were my best friends.  
Willam said Sharon told her she wanted to fix things. I hoped we could repair what was left of us.  
Sharon texted me, I smiled.  
She wanted to come over, and without a doubt I agreed.  
We watched movies in silence, I could bring myself to speak. Not trusting myself to speak without bursting out in tears. It was like the beginning of our friendship; awkward, but somehow still comfortable.  
We fell into a routine again.  
Some days we sat and watched movies, and did homework. Sometimes we argued. arguments were about me not eating, or skipping therapy. We’d both yell, claim that the other was wrong but she never left, she’d stay until we were okay.

“I’m sorry” I blurted out one day while we were sitting on her couch, she looked at me with a confused expression.  
I shook my head to but she grabbed my wrists and forced me to look at her.  
“What’s wrong Alaska? You need to tell me.” She said letting go of my wrists and instead taking my hands in hers. It was the only physical contact we’d shared in a while, it felt nice.  
I sighed before starting to speak, knowing it was going to open a can of worms.  
“If I wasn’t like this, none of it would have happened”  
Her eyes widened at my words, and her grip on my hands tightened.  
“None of this is your fault, please don’t ever think that.” She spoke softly, her voice barely above a whisper. I opened my mouth to speak but she cut me off.  
“I’m the stupid one, I made the mistake. Not you.” She looked down at our entwined hands.  
“Everyone’s shocked that you even speak to me you know, because if someone hurt me the way I hurt you, I’d never speak to them again. But that’s the type of person you are. Kind, and forgiving even when you shouldn’t be. I wanted to protect you from all the evil in the world, make sure nothing hurt you again. But I couldn’t protect you from myself” she let go of my hands and stared down at the carpet.  
Her face looked angelic as always but there was something else there, something rarely seen from the punk rock Sharon Needles, vulnerability.  
I leaned moved closer to her, we were inches apart. I could hear her breathing increase the way it used to when we got this close. With one hand loosely wrapped around her waist, the other turned her head to look at me.  
“Don’t do this Sharon. We’ve worked hard to get here; you can’t shut me out now” I said seriously.  
“You started it.” She replied.  
“And I’m ending it.” I moved back to my original spot.  
We sat in silence again, sneaking glances at each other when we thought the other wasn’t looking.  
“Sorry” we both said at the same time. She opened her arms and gestured for me to come towards her.  
I crawled into her arms, settling myself in her lap and looking up at her.  
“You know, I just wanted a hug” she laughed. It’s been ages since I heard her laugh like that.  
I giggled in response and made a move to get up but she held me firmly in place.  
“Give me a minute” she whispered into my hair.  
We stayed like that for longer than a minute, but it was nice. Comfortable. I missed her. The thought of that kiss on my living room floor was running through my head. Her soft moans when I kissed her jaw and how she tried to pull me as close as possible when I would bite the sensitive skin on her neck.  
I was lost in thought when I heard Sharon saying my name.  
“What?” I asked her, confused and embarrassed.  
“I miss you” she said.  
“You see me every day” I responded.  
“You know what I mean” she whispered, and I nodded.  
“I can’t” I looked up at her, hoping she’d understand.  
“I know Alaska.” I smiled at her.  
I looked at the clock on the wall and shit it was late.  
“I should go Sharon, it’s late” I said to her, but she again tightened her grip on my waist.  
“Stay” she said simply.  
“I can’t.” I responded.  
“Why? Stella’s fine by herself, and my mom is working overnight. Please. I’ll sleep on the couch” she persisted.  
We went back and forth until I’d finally agreed to stay.  
“Do you still think about it?” she asked.  
“About?” I asked her, unsure about what she was referring to.  
“The party”  
“Yeah, I do.” I responded casually, wanting to change the subject.  
“Me too.” She whispered under her breath.  
I contemplated whether I should ask her to sleep next to me, it would mean I could be close to her but what if she got the wrong idea.  
I made my decision when I saw her in her pajamas, they were pink. I’d never thought I’d see her in pink but it was adorable.  
“I’m not allowed to do laundry anymore” she explained when she saw me looking at her.  
“Don’t sleep on the couch” I said quickly before I changed my mind.  
“You’re not sleeping on the couch Alaska” she responded grabbing a pillow.  
“I know.” I said to her, climbing under the covers and lifting them up to let her in the bed.  
She practically ran towards me, and jumped under the covers, wordlessly wrapping herself around my body.  
“Thank you” she sighed contently.  
“It’s more comfortable then my living room floor” I said to her.  
She nodded enthusiastically, attempting to pull my body closer to her but we couldn’t get any closer.  
“This is nice” she whispered against my skin.  
“Sharon” I started to say but she pressed a finger to my lips.  
“I know we’re not fixed, but it’s a start. I told you, I’m sticking around. You’ll never get rid of me”.  
“Is this the start of a Criminal Minds episode?” I asked in what I hoped was a serious voice.  
“Shut up, you ruined my moment. I was actually being nice for once” She whined and turned around so her back was facing me. I wrapped my arm around her waist while the other stayed under my pillow.  
“Night” I said pressing a light kiss to her exposed shoulder.  
“Night Lasky. I’m glad you stayed, and I’m glad we’re both trying to fix this” she put her hand over mine on her waist and squeezed it lightly.  
I fell asleep as soon as my eyes closed, and for the first time in a while. I was excited to wake up again.  
Maybe this could work. Or maybe it would crash and burn. Whatever the outcome was, I wanted to experience it with Sharon.


	8. Almost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back back back again! Sorry for the long break, it wasn't supposed to be that long but I hope you enjoy this chapter, one half was written when I was tired, the other after a few red bulls. So enjoy, and leave me comments and stuff. I live for it x

The only time she looks at peace, is when she’s sleeping. I can’t see the fear in her eyes, or the way her smile falls after a few seconds. Her mouth is always slightly parted, and her body is stuck to mine the entire night, her body feels warm next to mine and I can’t help but imagine all the things I want to do to her, especially when she’s pressed up against me, and her hot breath is on my neck like she is right now.   
I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard her whisper in my ear, her low raspy morning voice sending chills down my spine.  
“Morning” she said.  
I couldn’t help but notice the exposed skin from where her shirt lifted, her hip bones sticking out slightly. I smiled at her and put my arm loosely around her hips. Secretly celebrating in my head at the fact that she didn’t move away, instead she gave me a tight smile, and ran her finger tips up and down my forearm as I mumbled about whatever came into my mind.   
And that’s how we spent the morning until she had to leave.   
The rest of the day I felt like I was floating, nothing could bring down my mood at all. I cleaned without being asked, I even did homework. This is what she does to me, she makes me want to be better. She makes me want to succeed. And I don’t know if that’s healthy or not, but I love feeling like this, I feel like I could singlehandedly save the world. 

School was draining on forever this week, teachers handing out assignments left and right, while telling us to focus on our futures, and think about college. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do when I left high school, but I knew it wasn’t law school or medical school. I was contemplating the idea of art school when I felt arms wrap around my waist tightly, and at first I was confused at who was hugging me, but I heard Alaska’s familiar laugh and leaned into her touch. It was rare that she showed anyone this much affection at school, or anywhere else for that matter, so I enjoyed it and ignored the stares everyone was giving us in passing.   
“Did I scare you?” she teased.  
“No, it takes more than that to scare me. They don’t call me the queen of spooky for nothing” I replied, turning in her arms to face her.  
“Literally no one calls you that” she said, looking directly at my lips. We both began to lean in slowly and just as we were about to kiss, Ms. Del Rio yelled at us to get to class.   
“Can you still get cock blocked if neither one of us has a cock?” I asked her as we walked to class, she didn’t respond but she laughed and walked in front of me shaking her head.   
The entire class I spent thinking about the almost kiss, and what it meant. Did it mean she wanted to try again? Or was it a spur of the moment thing?   
When class ended, I jumped up from my seat but she already left the room. I found her standing at my locker with a smirk on her lips and a hand on her hip.   
As soon as I within arm’s reach of her, she reached out and pulled me towards her for a hug.  
“You’re in a good mood, Pumpkin” I said. She nodded her head eagerly and I laughed at how cute she was. Again, people were giving us odd looks but it didn’t seem to bother Alaska, so it didn’t bother me.   
She opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by Willam.  
“You two are disgusting. What’s with the sudden PDA Lask?” she asked, looking directly at Alaska.  
“I’m just having a good day.” She responded with a smile.  
“It’s gag worthy” Willam replied, but still smiling back.  
“It’s cute Will!” exclaimed Courtney coming up behind us and kissing Willam’s cheek.  
“And we’re the disgusting ones” I said to Alaska as we watched a small kiss on the cheek turn into them making-out against the lockers in front of everyone.  
We laughed and walked together to lunch, deciding to sit outside together instead of the big group we usually sat with. Courtney and Willam joined us when they finished swallowing each other’s tongues.  
“When did this happen?” I asked pointing to Willam and Courtney.  
“When did that happen?” responded Willam, pointing to Alaska and myself as Alaska blushed slightly.   
“But seriously, I’m meant to be your best friend and I didn’t know? I’m offended.” Whined Alaska.  
“It just happened yesterday, we were going to tell you but we got side tracked” responded Courtney, taking Willam’s hand and holding it in her lap.  
“Ten Thousand via PayPal and we’re even” joked Alaska.  
“Is that before taxes?” asked Willam seriously before bursting out in laughter.  
We continued joking and laughing for the rest of our lunch period. No awkward silences or jokes taken too far. Comfortable.

“So you sorted everything with Alaska?” Willam asked when we were walking to our last class.   
“I don’t know if its sorted completely, but she’s so happy today, I don’t have the heart to ruin it, you know?” I responded, hoping she’d understand.   
“I just want her to be happy” She replied while searching the room for empty seats.   
“Me too.”  
The last class took forever to finish; everyone was becoming restless and tired so when the final bell rang it was a war-zone trying to get out the door. People were pushed and chairs knocked down, just to get out of the stuffy class room. 

I was standing at my locker and muttering to myself about how much homework I had, and waiting for Alaska. She usually met me at my locker but she was taking ages today, I looked around but there was no sight of her. I called her, no answer. I tried to reason with myself, she was probably still in class or something but I couldn’t help worrying. She wouldn’t have left without saying bye to me, she never has. Even on the worse days. I was stuck in my own thoughts when I heard the familiar sound of her heels on the floor. How she wore those shoes all day perplexed me.   
“We’ve spent a lot of time at your locker today” she said, gently taking my hand and squeezing it.   
“We’ve also been interrupted a lot today” I said.  
“Want me to take you home?” she asked, not letting go of my hand. I nodded, and let our hands fall between us as we walked. The parking lot was empty when we got there, and I couldn’t stop myself when I leaned against her car and brought her body towards mine. Wrapping my arms tightly around her, I looked into her eyes for any indication that she wanted me to stop but she smiled and put her hand on the back of my neck, pulling me towards her. And we finally kissed.   
A slow, but needy kiss. She had incredibly soft lips, that moved effortlessly against my own. One of my hands made it into her hair, and I gently pulled her closer.   
I would have been content kissing her forever in that parking lot, my tongue exploring her mouth and her hands moving down my body. Eventually we both pulled away and she rested her forehead on mine and we took a minute to breath before I broke the silence.   
“What now?” I whispered, kissing the tip of her nose.  
“I don’t know” she replied honestly, but still not moving out of my arms but placing small, quick kisses on my lips until I was smiling.


	9. Dates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I love everyone that is still reading this, and leaving lovely comments and kudos. I'm open to any suggestions on where else I can take this story, or if you'd like background ships. I hope you like this somewhat fluffy chapter, once again written after copious amounts of caffeine and little to no sleep.

“I want huge lips, like Amada Lapore! And fix the gap in my teeth” I rambled to Alaska as she pulled into my drive-way. We sat awkwardly for a while, just staring at each other unsure of what to say or do.  
“Want to come in?” I finally spoke.  
“No, I should really go. Have to start the calculus homework.” She replied.  
“Is there any way I can convince you” I whispered, tilting her chin up and reaching over towards her to kiss her. My lips moved to her neck, and I felt her body go ridged and I knew I’d pushed her too far.  
“Let’s go on a date” I said loudly, and she laughed at my suggestion.   
“A date? Since when do you do dates?”  
“Shut up, I can do dates. No crowds, I promise. I want to do this right” I said the last part under my breath and hoped she didn’t hear, but from the small smile that appeared on her face I guessed she did.   
She finally agreed, and I couldn’t stop myself from kissing her again. Now all I had to do was figure out where I was going to take her. 

Instead of starting the pile of homework I had, I spent the day trying to figure out what we could do but there was nothing that could work for us. I didn’t want to push her too far out of her comfort zone, but I didn’t want it to be boring. I wanted this to be good. It wasn’t just a date with a girl, this was a date with THE girl. Someone I wanted to be with long-term and just not a girlfriend. Alaska made me work for it, and I knew I couldn’t get bored of her ever. Every small kiss or touch from her, turned me on intensely. Every word that left her mouth, left me hanging for the next one. It was a welcome change from random hook ups and secret girlfriends. Even though we already know each other well, and there was literally no reason for me to be nervous, I was.

“Shar, don’t you think this is getting too serious for you? I mean, Alaska is lovely but are you ready for something this serious? Is she?” my mom questioned over dinner and I was stunned for a moment, unsure how to answer her questions.  
“I want it to be serious” I replied, attempting to sound confident but beginning to second guess myself.  
“What about college? You’d be a great nurse Sharon” she said. This was a conversation we’d had multiple times over the years. She wanted me to be a nurse, or a doctor, but there was nothing that pulled me in towards that profession. I wanted to preform, or do something involving the arts but she couldn’t understand that. My mom was thankfully understanding about everything, apart from this.   
“I actually decided to apply to art school” I said quietly, pushing the food around my plate.  
“Art school? What career can you get with that Sharon” she asked, raising her eyebrows.  
“Well, I want to do something artistic. Or maybe theater?” I responded.  
She shook her head, and left the table, leaving me confused about everything.  
The rest of the night I tossed and turned, thinking about my future, both educational and the possible future I could have with Alaska. But, I was assuming she wanted that with me. 

By the time I had to leave, I still had no plan. But confidently, I knocked on her door, laughing when she opened it, still in her pajamas and her hair a mess. She ran back inside to get changed, apologizing as she ran.   
“So where are we going?” she asked as she ran through her house grabbing things and stuffing them into her bag.  
“No clue. Breakfast?” I said, knowing she hasn’t ate yet.  
After a small argument on the importance of breakfast, we were finally on our way to our first real date. She ate slow and small bites of her food, but it was an improvement from the first few times we ate together.  
“Should we go?” she asked, eyes darting around noticing the number of people that now filled the once empty diner.  
I took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.  
“Let’s go.” 

With no other plans, we spent the rest of the day walking around. Alaska showed me stores that I’d never noticed before, and eventually we ended up just sitting at a park together, it was too cold for most people to be out but we weren’t like most people. Our conversation flowed easily, and somehow we ended up tangled together on the bench. Her legs on-top of mine, and my arm wrapped around her waist, the other holding hers. The worry I was feeling before disappeared. I just had to remind myself who I was with, it wasn’t someone I barely knew, it was Alaska. l I had almost started a relationship with her, and then ruined it and she was still sitting here with me. Basically, sitting in my lap. She had to feel something for me, it can’t just be one-sided.

“Kind of a shitty date” I said, as we were walking back to the car.  
“But I kind of love it at the same time” she added, cradling my face in her hands and kissing me in the streets. Her hands move down from being tangled in my hair, to on the small of my back and eventually on my ass. Squeezing tightly, and pulling my body closer to hers.  
“What does all of this mean?” I asked after we pulled away from each other but my arm was still wrapped around her waist.  
“I don’t know. I like you, I obviously do. But I’m scared Noodles, I don’t know if I can be what you want me to be, and I don’t want us to hurt each other.”  
“Do you trust me?” I asked, turning my head to look into her eyes.   
She sighed before nodding slowly.  
“I need you to say it Alaska”  
“I trust you Sharon” she said.   
I opened my mouth to speak when someone walked into us, the stranger apologized and I said it was fine, but I heard Alaska’s breathing hitch, she found my hand and squeezed it tightly.  
“I’m okay” she whispered, letting go of my hand and instead giving me the keys to the car.  
“I’m sorry” she said after a period of silence. Without thinking I laughed at her words and grabbed her hand that was resting in her lap.  
“ Lasky, when we first met you couldn’t speak to a stranger without having a panic attack. Today, you spoke to the lady at the diner, and calmed yourself down without any input from me. The therapy is helping you, and so are the meds. You’re doing so well, baby. Please don’t be sorry.” I half whispered, kissing her hand, and watching her face soften.  
By the time we got to my house, the only thing I wanted to do was hold her, so that’s what I did. I turned to face her, running my hands over her hips, and under her ass to lift her up. Her long legs wrapped around my waist and her lips were attached to my neck immediately. Settling us both on my bed, we continued to kiss, Alaska pulled my jumper over my head, and pulled her own off, throwing it across the room.   
“Sharon” she said in-between kisses, I moaned in response.  
“Sharon” she tried again, “I think I’m in love with you”


	10. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the almost end, there's an epilogue and if people are interested, I have a sequel in mind that's a time skip from high school to college. Thank you to anyone that reads, and anyone that leaves comments and/or kudos. I love it, it makes my day, and inspires me to write faster.

There wasn’t a specific moment or event that made Alaska fall in love with Sharon Needles. There was no lighting blub going off in her head just the familiar way her heart skipped a beat whenever Sharon would touch her. She knew that it was love, but she also knew that this love would either be her happy ending, or her downfall. Either way, Alaska wanted to see where it ended up. The fear of the unknown still scared her, but knowing that she had someone there holding her hand threw it made it less bearable.   
Telling someone you love them is scary, it’s even more scary when you’re unsure of their feelings. If they loved, you back? Was it too soon to say it? Probably, but when did she do things by the book. Her entire life was a shit-show; she lived alone, no family, too anxious to believe her friends liked her. So actually, being in love with someone was kind of a breath of fresh air. She wasn’t saying Sharon was ‘curing’ her, that didn’t exist. She simply made the pain of life, slightly less painful. It encouraged her to regularly see a therapist. A reason to try. A flicker of light in the darkness. 

Even if Sharon would laugh at her comparison to light. To Sharon, there was nothing light about her. Dark clothes, makeup, alternative music taste that Alaska could never figure out. But the Sharon that people saw, was different to her Noodles. Her Noodles was warm, and gentle with her, like she was scared she’d break Alaska if she hugged her tight enough.   
Her warm hands contrasting to Alaska’s cold ones. People turned when they walked together, Sharon in all black, and Alaska in her pink clothes. But no one knew that Sharon was the one that picked up the pieces when she had a melt-down, no one knew that Sharon dealt with her tantrums and tears. She wanted to scream at everyone that looked at her weirdly, tell them that she was a good person, the type of person everyone wants to love. But she didn’t. One day she hoped she could. 

What’s even more scary then telling someone you love them, is the silence between the words, and their reply. Alaska was holding her breath unknowingly, only realizing when Sharon’s lips collided into hers. Sweet declarations of love being whispered against her lips, turning into passionate kisses and touches. Hot kisses exploring her body, showing her a new side of love. One she never thought she’d feel. But she was glad that she did. They weren’t perfect, they probably never would be, but Alaska knew that this was the start of them trying. Going from not just friends but not a relationship, to a proper relationship. Something both never thought they’d have. Alaska knew about Sharon’s long list of girls, knowing inevitability it would be a road block for them eventually, but they’d proved that they could work through it. And she also knew that her own insecurity would lead to future problems, but they’d work through that too. 

They’d spent the rest of the day in comfortable silence with soft kisses and touches. Until Sharon tickled her side, not knowing exactly how ticklish Alaska was. They enjoyed in the purity and simplicity of their new-found love, it was like they were stuck in their own little love bubble. Knowing eventually the real world would catch up. They would have to talk about the future and the seriousness of their relationship. There was no talking about medication and college, they were two girls in love with each-other. In that moment, they were happy. And as much as they hoped it could stay that way forever, it couldn’t. Nothing was perfect forever. 

But now she was home, alone. With the dog keeping her company in a big empty house. The house would creek every occasionally, and even if she knew it was nothing, she wished her girlfriend was here to pull her closer and nuzzle her neck like she did earlier that day. Alaska got no sleep that night, her mind running through every possible way that this could end. Would their love be enough to guide them over every hurdle, or would they both end up hurt and broken? She wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of her life in their love bubble but that wasn’t possible. A new part of their lives was just beginning. Bringing new adventures, but also new challenges. And she hoped, to every God she’d ever known, that they could stick it through, and end up happy together. 

She didn’t know that a few streets away, Sharon was feeling the same way. She’d finally got the girl, she broke down the ice queen, but could she keep her?   
But even with these cloudy thoughts, Sharon went to her girlfriend’s house, and wrapped herself around her, pulling her close to her body.

“I love you” she whispered, watching Alaska close her eyes. Silently praying that everything would be okay. The still had a long way to go, so many unanswered questions and conversations to have. But as long as they had love, they could survive anything, right?


	11. End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovelies! This is the epilogue featuring some angst, fluff and a little bit of smut. If anyone has any ideas for a sequel, let me know and I'll write something, I was thinking about a college AU or a one shot. Leave it in the comments, or find me on tumblr (or you can leave me anons or something, i have no life) Thanks for reading, leaving comments and kudos, it's amazing to know people like my work. I hope you enjoy this, I enjoyed writing it for you xxx 
> 
>  

Sharon was anxious, she hadn’t seen her girlfriend all day and apart from a few sexually suggestive text messages from this morning, she hadn’t talked to her properly either. Normally, she was fine with this, she understood that Alaska had more responsibility than the usual eighteen-year-old, and gave her the space she needed until she asked for help or called to tell her she’d missed her, and wanted to hear her voice. But not today, she finally received her admission letter. And she was excited, finally venturing out into the world by herself. Well not by herself. She’d have more teachers, and dorm mates and hopefully her Alaska. But she had to get accepted. There was no way they accepted just Sharon, with her average grades, and the few suspensions on her record. Alaska was smart, and creative. She had to get in too. But if she didn’t what would that mean for them? Would they have to break up?  
Sharon groaned at the thought of having to leave her girlfriend. There was no one else on this planet that Sharon thought suited her more than her. Where Sharon was weak, Alaska was strong, and vice-versa and it was amazing to have someone to be there for you always. No matter what the situation was, Alaska was there to make it better any way she knew how. Arguments with her family, school stresses, fights in school. Alaska was there with her, holding her tightly, and rubbing soothing circles on her back while Sharon ranted and let out steam. Without a doubt in Sharon’s mind, she knew that Alaska was the love of her life, and not that she’d ever admit it to anyone else but she knew she wouldn’t want to live without her ever again. She wasn’t sure that she could. There was no better feeling then waking up with her, and my head pressed into a tangle of blonde hair, and running my hands down her arms and her stomach, pressing small kisses on the nape of her neck until she woke up with a smile on her face which usually turned into a small moan when I teased her through the fabric of her underwear. To Sharon, nothing compared to hearing her girlfriend moan first thing in the morning. But she was stressing about this for no reason, they’d both get into this college, and Sharon would figure out a way to give her baby the world like she deserved. 

Hours later, Sharon was sitting on Willam’s couch drinking cheap beer and listening to Adore complain about Ms. Del Rio who had made her re-submit her final design piece again.  
‘It’s like she hates everything I do! She doesn’t understand my look. Unless it’s an A-line dress like the one she wears every day, she fails it. And Visage agrees every time! They’re both against me!’  
I nodded in agreement, both teachers were extremely hard to please, and at times it was annoying but it was nice that they cared enough to make sure they succeed.  
She remembered all the talks she had with both women about colleges, and what was best for her. They’d helped her put together amazing applications, and wrote glowing letters of recommendation. She had to remember to thank them again on Monday. Pressure on her lap brought her out of her thoughts, and she realized Alaska had finally arrived, and was settling herself in Sharon’s lap.

‘Hey sweetpea’ Sharon whispered against her girlfriend’s skin, and a smile appeared on her face. The same smile that graced Sharon’s face whenever Alaska was with her. The conversation around them flowed; a group of friends hanging out together a few weeks before summer would start and they would all go separate ways. Sharon found herself easily slipping into the conversation, forgetting about the conversation that she needed to have with Alaska. 

‘Can we talk about something later?’ said Alaska, moving Sharon’s hair out of her face and kissing her temple.  
‘Of course Angel, is everything okay? She replied, leaning into her girlfriend’s touch. Alaska nodded, and looked into her eyes and for the first time that night, she noticed Alaska’s eyes were slightly red. Like she’d been crying.  
“Do you want to go now?” She asked her, slightly worried. But Alaska shook her head no.  
“It’s fine, later. Let’s just enjoy this.” Settling back into a comfortable position, and launching into a story about Willam falling off a DJ’s stage when she was drunk.

It was later that night that Roxy got a little too drunk, and started to sing some song that no one knew on the table. When Willam started to yell at her to get off her table, everyone decided it was time to leave. Leaving Willam and Courtney cuddled together on the couch. Alaska had called them an Uber back to her house, and they were both silent during the ride home, their hands clasped together tightly. Sharon tried to meet her girlfriend’s eyes, but every time she looked at her, Alaska would look down at their hands. As soon as the door to her house was closed, tears welled up in Alaska’s eyes.

‘I didn’t get it’ she said, looking down at the floor as though it was the most interesting thing she’d ever seen. Sharon wrapped her arms around her and held her tightly, and the tears started to flow from both their eyes.  
‘And I know that you did.’ She choked out through her tears, and Sharon gasped slightly.  
‘How?’ she asked her, not letting go of her girlfriend’s small frame.  
‘Visage said it was almost impossible for them to take us both, so if I didn’t. You did. Congratulations baby’ her tears had finally stopped, and she managed to get out a small smile. Sharon was lost for words, she didn’t know what to do, or where this was going but she felt slightly calmer when Alaska placed her hands on either side of her face, and kissed her softly.  
‘I’m happy for you. I really am.’ Alaska said, wriggling out of Sharon’s arms and pulling her towards her bedroom, and closing the door. Something they learnt from past mistakes, when they’d be trying to rip each-others clothes off and a hundred-pound dog ran at them, knocking them both over and off the bed. 

Sharon was lost for words, there was nothing that she could say that would fix this for either one of them. This was a dream school, even her mom was excited that she got in and she initially was against anything other than nursing, law, or teaching. But she didn’t deserve to go. She skated through high-school, and the SAT’s, while Alaska tried so hard to get amazing grades in everything. Sharon had witnessed her almost cry over essays, and re-write them until they were perfect. And after everything she endured, and continues to endure she deserved to get into the school she wanted to go to. She was silent for a long time, just thinking about this situation, and how they’d cope. Fuck. Would they have to break up? Sharon would have to move. Would Alaska stay here? Did she get any acceptance letters? Sharon was panicking now, and she shot up from her seat on the edge of the bed and took a few deep breaths. And almost instantly, her girlfriend was next to her, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her closer to her.  
‘Breathe, you’re okay’ she whispered into her hair.  
‘But are we?’ Sharon found the courage to ask, taking both of her girlfriend’s hands and holding them between them. And again, they fell into silence. Both unsure what to do or say, but their hands were still clasped together.  
‘I hope so.’ She said after some silence, tears began to form in her eyes again, and Sharon wished she could take all her pain away, and make her as happy as Alaska made her.  
‘I don’t tell you this enough, but I love you Alaska.’ Sharon said, wiping a tear that fell down her cheek.  
‘Then we can figure this out. I’ll do anything to make this work, I love you too much to lose you’  
Sharon pulled her girlfriend towards her, and let her burry her head in the crook of her neck, and let the tears flow out of her, while kissing the top of her head and whispering that she loved her over and over again until the crying girl in her arms calmed down, and fell back onto her bed, holding her arms out for Sharon to join her. 

That night, they held each-other like they were scared the other would disappear if they didn’t hold tight enough. They talked about their day, and when Alaska told Sharon she got an acceptance in New York, Sharon nearly crushed her ribs from hugging her so tightly.  
‘That’s amazing Lasky. I’m proud of you, I really am.’ She said, slightly lifting her girlfriend to lay on her chest so she could play with her hair. Something that her girlfriend only allowed when she was tired or upset. The smile that formed on Alaska’s face when she’d said that made Sharon’s day a hundred times brighter. Sharon often thought that Alaska’s smile could make everything better, even on the worst days when everything was going wrong, that smile made everything worth it. It was even better when it was the result of something she’d said to her.  
“I really am proud of you; they are so lucky to have you. You’ll kill it over there, I know it’ Alaska said, placing light kisses on Sharon’s neck, moving up to her lips and biting down on her bottom lip the way that she knew Sharon liked. A small moan escaped Sharon’s lips while Alaska’s hands started to reach under her shirt to pull it off. Another reason Sharon loved Alaska so much was how much she always wanted her, there was something so amazing and empowering about her girlfriend wanting to make her feel so good all the time. Hot lips trailed down to her chest, kissing and licking every part of her chest and stomach apart from the one place she wanted them, and finally Alaska’s tongue circled her nipple, and her other hand ventured further down her stomach stopping to pull up Sharon’s skirt.  
Sharon tried to touch her girlfriend, but her hands were pushed away.  
‘Tonight’s about you gorgeous’ she said, pushing her hand into her underwear, smiling when she felt how excited her girlfriend was.  
‘Lask, baby, please’ she begged her, but she continued touching her so lightly and gently.  
Sharon thrust her hips forward into her girlfriend’s touch, and Alaska moved her hands completely away from her body. Pulling her underwear completely off, and throwing them over her shoulder, she placed soft kisses on the insides of Sharon’s thighs, and when she was satisfied with Sharon’s begging, Alaska settled herself between her girlfriend's legs.  
What started as gentle ended frantic and wild, Sharon couldn’t keep her hips down on the bed when she came, screaming out Alaska’s name repeatedly.

Alaska kissed her right after she came down from her high, and Sharon smiled into their kiss, and flipped them over so Sharon was on top of her, her arms on either side of her holding her up.  
‘We’ll be okay, right Noodles?’ she asked, looking into her eyes, seemingly searching for something.  
‘I hope so pumpkin, I hope so’ she answered, smiling when Alaska moved her head to the side to give Sharon more access to her neck that she was currently kissing and biting.  
‘Love you’ she whispered.  
‘Forever’ Sharon replied.


End file.
